Angela Sostarich Photography
Conversation Starter Questions for Married, Engaged, or Dating Couples
If you’re here, you probably share my beliefs about a wedding: it’s a beautiful day, but it’s just the beginning. Marriage is a lifelong journey; your wedding is only the first step toward a lifetime of service to one another.
So how can you build a strong relationship? How can you lay the foundation for a marriage that will last a lifetime? I certainly won’t claim to have all the answers. You might start by asking my sweet parents—who have a truly inspiring marriage of nearly 30 years.
We’re still learning so much along the way… but as a “newlywed” of just over a year, I can reflect on what has worked in the past nine years my husband and I have spent together. We’ve found that prayer and servanthood are key; communication and understanding expectations follow closely behind.
One of our favorite things to do for fun (and for our marriage) is to ask each other discussion questions. It has been so fruitful for us—as a couple, and as individuals.
This habit is ingrained in our relationship; before we started dating, we would play an ongoing, never-ending game of “Truth.”
He would ask one question; I would answer and then ask him another one. On and on, for days… weeks… months. At the time, it was a helpful way for two awkward fifteen-year-olds to keep a conversation going. I’d wake up and check my phone for the latest question. I’d fall asleep mid-answer and resume the game in the morning.
But as the months turned into years, we realized we had been laying a foundation for our relationship all along. I became his girlfriend—then his fiancée, and then his wife. Our ongoing game of Truth was a catalyst for life’s important questions (or, sometimes, the silly ones). It forced us to think creatively about conversation. It helped us speak vulnerably and candidly. It ultimately led us to marriage.
Today, “Truth” is still one of our favorite ways to reconnect as a couple. We’re constantly Googling “conversation starters for couples” or shuffling through our TableTopics deck. We love to revisit our marriage prep booklets and answer the conversation questions over and over again. (Lucky for you, I’ve already compiled all the best tried-and-true questions in this post!)
Road trips are the perfect place to really dive into these intentional questions and foster meaningful conversation (at least, we sure think so!). There’s nothing better than an open highway, junk food for the road, and hours of great conversation with the love of your life.
Ask yourself: how often do you take time to pause and have intentional conversation with your spouse? (or spouse-to-be?) Is it enough?
It’s all too easy to get caught up in the everyday: How was work? Did you pay rent? What’s for dinner? And don’t get me wrong—the everyday moments have their own beauty and merit within a marriage. (Take a peek at this post to spark some ideas for “everyday” things you can do for your spouse!) We love a good Netflix binge as much as anyone else. But when was the last time you slowed down enough to really check in with each other? To share a conversation over something deeper than laundry or office talk?
If you’re married, these questions are for you. They’re for your marriage. Take time to have intentional conversation with your spouse. And guess what? These questions never get old. Ask them again and again. You might be surprised how the answers change over time, or how they make you laugh even harder over the years.
If you’re engaged, these questions are absolutely for you. Have these conversations now; ask the tough questions. Be vulnerable. It will be one of the best things you can do to prepare your hearts to become husband and wife.
So, if you really want to strengthen your marriage… plan a weekend getaway. Take a road trip or schedule a “staycation” at a nearby luxury hotel. Use the time together for intentional conversation. Get to know each other more deeply. Be vulnerable with your heart. Share a good laugh or two (or ten).
Take time to listen – I mean really listen – to each other’s hopes, fears, desires, hurts, and joys. Take time to love each other well.
These questions may not be the answer to marriage, but they’re a start. The conversations they’ve sparked have been so rewarding for us over the years. Maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll be lucky enough to celebrate a 30th anniversary like my parents. Until then…
Supporting Each Other
- What is something you admire about me?
- What is something you respect about me?
- What do you think my greatest strengths are?
- How can I show my respect for you?
- What situations are stressful for you?
- What could I do to reduce your stress?
- What can I do to help when you are frustrated?
- When do you prefer to receive advice vs. just have a listening ear?
- What is your biggest dream? What steps can we take to move toward it?
- What is your proudest accomplishment?
- What are some of your hobbies? How can I support them or play a role in them?
- Do you have any mental health issues? How can I help support your mental health?
- Do you like to plan things ahead of time, or go with the flow?
- How are we different?
- In what ways are we similar?
- What makes achieving goals challenging for you? (i.e., always procrastinate, get overwhelmed, etc.)
- What are three ways you like to treat yourself?
- What are three things I could do to help you this week?
Family
- What do you admire most about your parents?
- What are some things you’d like to emulate about the way your parents raised you?
- What are some things you’d change about the way your parents raised you?
- How are your parents different from mine?
- What kind of world-views did you inherit from your parents?
- What are your expectations for holidays?
- Describe your siblings and your relationships with them.
- What was your role within your family growing up? What is it now?
- What kind of role do you see your parents playing in our family life as a married couple?
- What boundaries do you want to put in place for our parents?
- How often would you like to visit our parents? Have them visit us?
- What would we do if one of our parents became ill or widowed? How could we help?
- Are there any new family traditions you’d like to start?
Favorites
- What is your favorite book?
- What is your favorite color?
- What is your favorite beverage?
- What is your favorite sweet treat?
- What is your favorite movie?
- What was your favorite toy as a kid?
- What is your favorite board game?
- What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
- What is your favorite holiday? Why?
- Who or what inspires you? Why?
- What are some of your favorite memories of us?
Feelings
- What do I do that makes you feel loved?
- What is your love language?
- What is your personality type? (Meyers-Briggs or Enneagram)
- Which topics (if any) are hard for you to talk about?
- Do you consider yourself an emotional person?
- Do you make decisions based on the head or the heart?
- How do you handle sorrow? (in the short-term and long-term?)
- How do you handle grief?
- What makes you happier than anything else?
- What are your deepest fears?
- What is one quality you wish you could change about yourself?
- When is the last time you cried? Why?
- When did you feel most alone?
- What are some things that help you feel better when you’re down?
- What is the happiest moment you can remember from the past week? month?
- Do you enjoy public attention, or prefer to keep your achievements private?
- How do you like to celebrate accomplishments or milestones? (i.e., party with friends, a champagne toast for two)
Romance
- Whose relationship do you most admire? Why?
- How do you think we express love differently?
- How often should we have a date night?
- What would an ideal date night look like for you?
- Do you like for dates to be planned an advance, or more spontaneous?
- What are some little things I can do to show you how much I care?
- What is one of your favorite memories of our relationship?
- How are we different from when we met? How are we the same?
- What do you remember about our first kiss?
- What was the first thing that attracted you to me?
- What is the thing you find most attractive now?
- Do you think about me during the day? In what way?
- What do you think is my best physical feature?
- What would a romantic getaway look like for you?
- What is your favorite outfit for me to wear?
- What are your favorite flowers?
- What’s the best gift you’ve ever received from me?
- What are some things that set the mood for you? (i.e., candles? music? flowers?)
- What are some ways to keep the romance alive over the years?
At Home
- What will the division of responsibilities look like at home?
- Which chores do you hate the most? Which chores do you hate the least?
- How often do you expect certain chores to be done?
- Do we want to hire a housekeeper? (Weekly, monthly, yearly?)
- How often should we eat out vs. eat at home?
- Are meal-delivery services helpful for us?
- How can I help encourage healthy habits (i.e., cooking healthy, tracking calories, making time for the gym, joining a class together)
- Is there an interior design aesthetic you would like our home to have?
- What would a tech-free night look like for us?
- Do we spend enough time on our own hobbies? Do we spend enough time together?
- Do we balance time with friends well?
- Do we want pets? How many? Who will take care of them?
- Do you like for us to host gatherings at our home? What does that look like for you?
- Do you want to live in an apartment or house? For how long?
- How modest or luxurious do you expect our home to be?
- Do you like to have a little space alone to decompress after a long work day? Or would you rather talk?
- What is the “right way” to squeeze the toothpaste? Hang the toilet paper?
- How should we care for each other when we get sick?
Finances
- Are we happy with our current finances? What are our expectations for future finances and lifestyle?
- Is there a number in the bank account that would make you feel financially secure?
- Do you worry about finances? What stresses you?
- What are doing to pay off debts (or avoid them)? Is there anything we should be doing differently?
- Which debts should we pay off first?
- If money were no object, what would change about our current lifestyle?
- Should we merge bank accounts, or keep any separate accounts?
- Should we buy or lease cars? New or used?
- Is it ever appropriate to take out a loan?
- How do you approach savings?
- Are finances stressful for you, or do find them interesting?
- At what dollar amount should we ask each other if it’s okay to purchase?
- How do you feel about investing? What are smart investments, and what are not?
- How much money do you think is appropriate to invest in entertainment? hobbies? vacations? education?
- What would happen if one of us lost our job?
- What is something I could do to help improve our finances?
- What’s the best financial decision you’ve (we’ve) ever made?
- Is there anything special you’d like to save up for?
- What would you do with $1000 today? $1 million?
Resolving Conflict
- When is a good time to bring up conflict?
- Do you prefer to always solve problems right away? Or are there circumstances that should wait? (i.e., until in private, etc.)
- How should we handle conflicts that arise in public?
- What are our next steps if we cannot agree on a solution? (i.e., ask trusted friends, etc.)
- Is it ever okay to go to bed angry?
- How can we demonstrate forgiveness?
- Should we point out each other’s flaws (to help us each improve), or look over them (to avoid conflict)?
- Is it ever okay to talk to our friends or family members about problems in our relationship?
- How can we make conversations about conflict productive?
Work
- Are you truly happy with your career? Why or why not?
- What does “success” mean to you?
- What is most frustrating about work?
- What is most fulfilling about work?
- What is most exciting about work?
- What are your professional dreams and goals?
- What is your proudest professional accomplishment so far?
- Are you happy with your income? How would you like to see it change over the years?
- Are you open to reducing your work hours to care for our kids?
- Who are your closest work friends?
- How do you feel about traveling from work? How much time away from home is too much?
- What would happen if I filled in for you tomorrow at work?
- How can I help you maintain a healthy work/life balance?
- What would you do if you weren’t doing what you do now?
Parenting
- What do you think my strengths as a parent will be? (are?)
- What do you think my challenges as a parent will be? (are?)
- What makes a great parent?
- Who are some examples of great parents?
- What values are most important to instill in our children?
- What are your dreams for our kids?
- How do you expect to prioritize marriage and children?
- If we both expect to work, what will childcare look like for our kids?
- What do you expect education to look like for our kids?
- What are your ideas about discipline?
- Are you open to adoption?
- What if we face the challenge of infertility?
- What are some qualities of a great babysitter?
- Do you expect our parents babysit their grandchildren? How often?
Past
- Tell me about a memory that never fails to make you laugh.
- Do you have any scars? What are they from?
- What’s your earliest childhood memory?
- What was school like for you as a kid?
- What did you like best about your favorite teacher?
- Tell me about your childhood best friend.
- What did you want to be when you grew up?
- What were your past relationships like? Why did they end?
- What have you learned about yourself from previous relationships?
- Do you have an embarrassing moment story?
- What was your high school prom like?
- What were you like in high school?
- What jobs did you have as a teenager?
- What was your most cringe-worthy fashion choice?
- Are there any wounds from your past that have not healed?
Future
- What are your biggest hopes for the future?
- What do think the next year holds for us? Five years? Ten?
- How do you think we will change as we get older?
- Where would you like to travel one day?
- What kind of vacations are feasible for us soon?
- If money were no object, what would your life look like?
- Do you ever see yourself cutting back on work for any reason? (i.e., kids, retirement, etc.)
- What do you want to do when you retire?
- What’s on your bucket list?
- How do you want to be remembered when you die?
- What would you like your funeral to look like?
- How do you envision old age?
- Do you always want to live where we do now? If not, where would we move?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about the future, what would you want to know?
Faith
- How can I best support you spiritually?
- When do you feel most connected to God?
- What do you think God has planned for your life right now?
- How do you pray? (i.e., contemplative, journaling, etc.)
- How do you picture our involvement at church?
- What are some ways you’d like to serve our community together?
- Do you have a favorite bible verse?
- Do you have a favorite saint?
- If you could have witnessed any biblical event in person, what would it be?
- What are some areas of temptation for you? What steps can we take to avoid them?
- What do you like most in a church service?
- When and how do you like to engage in bible study? (i.e., group setting, together vs. alone, morning quiet time, etc.)
- Are there specific areas of your life where you need prayerful support?
- What are you grateful for?
Just for Fun:
- What time of day are you at your best? When are you at your worst?
- How do you make decisions? (i.e., gut feeling, intuition, research, logic)
- If you could possess any extraordinary talent, what would it be?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
- What is your spirit animal?
- Which song do you absolutely hate?
- Which song is your karaoke jam?
- What is your idea of a perfect vacation?
- Which possession of mine would you throw away?
- What advice would we give a younger couple?
- How can we change the world we live in?
- Which questions have been the toughest for you?
- Which questions have been your favorite?
I hope these questions spark laughter and conversation in your own marriage; I wish you courage to get through the tough conversations, and joy in answering all the others. It’s been a wonderful adventure for us thus far: we may still have a long way to go, but here’s how far we’ve come!